You Win

Well world, you win.
You win.
You win.
YOU.
WIN.

It's a day that has brought back memories of last summer, crying in my bed.
Except last summer, I'd wake up and I would just feel this terrible pain of loss.
Like someone died.
This terrible feeling of reminding myself I am no longer with Gordon.
Instead, I have to wake up and realize that I have no one in my life I can go to.
I have no one in my life to fully understand me.
I feel so alone.
Never so alone in my life.
Talking to her on the phone today...
She wouldn't listen.
And frankly I didn't want to hear what she had to say either.
It was all about her.
And that is that.
I'm sure we'll be "friends".
But never "friends".
She was the only person in my life I had left.
But after I saw her in pictures with Gordon and Pat at prom, they win.
I am officially a no one.
The pain I carry with me is overwhelming.
But they win.
They have it all.
And I am now alone, with no one.
They all have each other.
And I literally have no one.
I had a moment like I did in September.
I just want to lay of in the rain, and make drown to death by the rain.
Because I am insignificant.
No one cares what I have to say.
I don't mean anything to anyone, and I never did.
And the disgusting part of it all is that I miss him.
I do.
And I would do anything to talk to him.
I really would.
I considered calling him.
Maybe facebooking him.
But I'm deathly afraid to.
Because who knows what's been said about me in the past month.
I feel sick.
I didn't even do anything.
I simply gave them my opinion.
Which you'd think I would have the right to do, you know?
I have no one.
I seriously have no one.
And it is the worst feeling in the world.
I've lost everyone I've ever loved in the past year.
And now, I'm like a one man show.
It's terrible.
I don't know what to do with myself.
But all I can say is, you win.

Dear Gordon,
Hey. So how are you? Good I hope. I hope college was as good as you hoped it would be. I hope you had a good year. As for me, I'm just fine. Well no, no I'm not fine haha. I could lie and say my year was good, but I won't. My year was the worst year of my life yet, but it wasn't because we broke up. It was because I lost my best friend. You were always there to listen, even though I'd just ramble on and on. You always had the right thing to say too. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss that. But so much of my life has gone wrong since you went away. I mean Pat and I have completely stopped talking, as well as Mary, Becca and I. And I'm sure you think I'm crazy, which I am, but communication goes a long way, I'm telling you. But yeah, I haven't been so good. I've missed you, somewhere in my life, everyday. Not like a boyfriend, but as a friend. And right now, I'm not doing so hot. And I could use a friend. Because at this moment in time, I feel like the entire universe is against me. I wish we could be friends so badly. Because you were real good at it. Yeah we fell in love. But that was only because we were friends first. And I know there's a thin line, but we could do it. I don't care about Laura or whoever you're with these days. I care about our friendship, and how terrible my life has been without it. I know, in previous messages I've sent to you I sound insane, because I was. But I really believe my heads in the right spot nowadays. And I care about what you think. Because whether we liked it or not, we loved each other. And that is going to be a piece of us for forever. Just know, that when you were gone, not a day went by when I didn't think of you. So many times I wanted to tell you how things were, and what was going on at dance. It's sucked not talking to you. You were my life. And I had to pick up the pieces by myself. But now I'm okay with us, etc. I just need a friend. It's fine if you're not willing to just talk. But just know I have good intentions. And it'd be great if you didn't tell the world about this message haha. I don't need anyyyy more drama in my life. I'm tired, ya know?