Time To Pretend

My heart aches at the thought of him coming home in May.
Seeing him at work.
It literally makes my heart ache.
It's just such a retarded situation.
I don't want to deal with it.
Put my retarded life away.
Like nothing ever happened.
It's just easier that way.
But for the first time ever, I realized something.
I wish I hadn't given so much to him.
So much of me.
Physically and mentally.
He doesn't deserve that.
And that makes me cringe.
So when he'll look at me, I wonder what he'll say.
I'm a lot different.
Prettier, wiser, you know.
A lot of people said they didn't even recognize me.
Weird, but I kinda like that.
I hope when he sees me he'll think that what he did to me was a mistake.
And that he was sorry.
Probably will never happen.
But hey, it's worth hoping for.

I work with a bunch of idiots.
I really do.
Management doesn't know what's up and what's down.
No one knows anything.
And people get mad at me for asking questions?
Really?
Really I guess.

I have so much anxiety now.
The day I see him will be that day I dread.
Take me now God.
Not really but really.
Anxiety.
So much of it.