Linger

I have come to many realizations the past few days.
First off, my feelings for Pat were all an illusion.
In a way.
I love him, but not like that.
At all.
But the depths of my feelings for my old lover are deeper then I ever thought.
The depths of lover are measured by the depths of pain.
And boy have I felt pain in the last 9 months.

I keep dreaming about him.
And in every dream, it's like I'm him.
Something to that effect.
I went downstairs, and he was sitting at the dining room table.
I, for some reason, had to sit next to him.
We sat there, and it was just the pain of not being able to be together was overwhelming.
We kissed, but it was a painful kiss, and we were both crying.
As he left angry for a reason unknown, he realized how much my family hated him.
My mom and him had a massive fight, and he was slamming doors.
It was ugly.
I defended him though.
I told him that my parents were angry with him for what he's done to me the past year.
I woke up, and my heart was pounding.

Why am I still having these type of dreams?
I don't think much about it in detail, ever.
It is way too painful.
I can't think about it.
Or him.
Because the depths of how I feel still linger inside of me sometimes.
Now don't get me wrong, I am ready to find someone new.
But once you love someone, it can always be re-opened.
It's kinda like shoving the feelings in a box.
And taping up the box.
But the box can always be opened.
I just miss kissing, and loving, and cuddling, and a best friend.
I'm becoming selfish.
I just want something good to happen to me.
I'm becoming cloudy again.
Nothing stands out.
I'm bored.
And lonely.
My depression lately is worse then before.
Probably because if the cold.
And snow.
And no sun.
Oh do I miss sun.
Lying on the beach with my skin burning, I felt something.
I'm excited for work too.
Well to an extent.
I'm excited to work with my friends.
But dreading seeing him and Pat.
Because I know what will happen.
Because nothing else compares.
I'm just so sick of this lingering.

I felt good for once in my life.
My dancing was good enough for the most important person.
And it felt great.
And I felt important.
I missed feeling important.


If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything

I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why you were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I'm in so deep, you know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong

-- Linger, The Cranberries