Puzzles

My life has been taking some odd twists.
And I'm just going to say exactly what I feel when it comes to mind.

Things have been going amazing.
But last weekend, something was wrong with me.
I was moody due to PMS which was a main source.
And Sunday night ruined my weekend.
It is so weird.
I don't know how I feel.
I want to feel how I felt.
I don't know anymore.
I am not ready to have such a physical relationship.
It's so weird.
I really like it at the time but feel bad about it afterwards.
It's not like I'm having sex.
But it's physical to the point where I don't want that to be the main thing in our relationship.
Maybe I'm so freaked out because it's all new to me.
I know I like him, I just miss our long conversations about nothing.
And how we would just spend hours laying in the grass while he just stroked my hand.
Now it's like we can't hang out without his hands up my shirt.
I don't help the sitation.
It's like you're out of control.
Don't get me wrong, I like it a lot, but I feel guilt.
I want this to be an innocent relatonship.
I want to feel butterflies when we hold hands.
I want to just lay in the grass and talk for hours.
I want to just cuddle.
I want to feel loved without the sexual part.
It'll be hard, but I'm so much happier.
I hate dirty relationships.
I don't know how else to put it.

I just want to feel the intense emotion I felt before.
I still remember what he was wearing the day of our first kiss.
It was a green workout shirt with white and green shorts to match.
I was wearing a purple plaid shirt with a bow and dark jeans and new earings.
I remember how nervous I was.
I remember the intense connection between us.
I felt so strongly about it.
But now I feel alone, terrified.
But it's not him.
Because when I think of him, I smile.
I remember what we use to be like.
I want to feel that way again.
I'm scared.
I want out of this constant state of I don't even know.
I want you back.
Not your body.
But you.
Your mind.
Your strength mentally and physically.
Your cheeks.
Your smile.
Your lips.
Your laugh.
But not only that.
I want your heart.
I want to last for a long time.
But I can't do that unless it feels right.
Too fast.
I want an innocent relationship.
We can work on it.
Making out is okay.
But anything beyond that,
I'm done.
Not with you, but with anything physical.
I know I must sound like a broken record.
But I'm having so much trouble putting my emotions into words.
Because even I don't understand it.
But this is the best I can do.
The last thing I want is to lose you.
So this is the best I can do.
It's like my emotions are a puzzle.
But a really hard one.
Because I'm having trouble fitting the pieces together.
Help.
Anyone.