A New Era

I feel like I'm in the next phase of my life.
I've realized I don't care about other people's stupid drama.
I honestly don't care if she likes him too.
Or he likes her not me!
I don't care.
It doesn't matter to me at all.
I'm satisfied in my own mind.
At the moment I don't want other people's pointless lives screwing it up.

He came over on Monday.
I thought he was crazy for doing it.
My family was here.

I'll be right over

You're crazy

He played with my baby sister.
He watched me as I turned red out of embarrassment.
My family is a little odd at times.
He stayed for dinner.
Again, crazy.
He held me in the grass until my brother and dad completely embarrassed me.
We talked for five straight hours.
And he finally had to leave.
As he gave me a long hug goodbye, we made I contact.
We both knew what was coming next.
We kissed.
I didn't know what to do at all.
He opened his mouth and I panicked.
The only thing going through my mind was what Becca and I use to read when we were little.
We would go on those how to kiss web sites.
We were little, so what.
But I didn't open my mouth.
I was scared to actually.
Finally I moved away.
My heart beating like the wings of a bug.
And that was it.

After this, I was so confused.
I had no emotion for a while afterwards.
I was shocked I think.
It was weird.
I didn't know what I was suppose to feel.
It freaked me out a little.
My emotions were mixing.
I felt strange.
But my heart still beating maddly.

I had to let it sink in.
Once it did, I realized I liked it very much.
But I have issues.
I'm scared to hurt.
I'm scared of committment.
I'm scared to fall in love.
I feel as though it's holding me back.
I almost feel it went a little too fast.
But I regret nothing.
I almost feel like I have a switch.
And that switch can be turned on, off, and be in the middle.
It's weird.
I mean picturing him with anyone else kills me.
But him being attached scares me.
I almost like a happy medium.
I think I'm more attracted to him when he's more shy about his feelings.
But I don't want him to stop what he's feeling.
I don't know it's confusing.
I love his friends. (Most of them at least)
I think his family seems super nice.
He's a smarty pants.
Athletic too which always helps.
But I'm scared.
I think it's normal.
But I'm excited for the future.
It'll be good I hope.

But I feel as though I'm becoming a new person.
I don't care too much about anyone like I use to.
If they do drugs, I don't care much.
If they almost kill themselves by drinking too much, it's that person's fault.
I'm done worrying about everyone.
I worry about him, his friends, my friends, and our families.
That's all.

I keep reliving the night in my driveway.
And I gets better every time I do.

He gave me the guy nod today at school.
I was shocked.
He knows I'm alive.
Even a little smile.
It just makes me happy that two people can live through something like that.
That even all the pain they caused each other, it's okay.
People can live through it.
I guess I did survive.