The Secret Life

I don't tell people anything.
I tell them the subject but never the details.
Maybe that's why I'm such a bad story teller.

I secretly miss him.
So much.
I hate myself.
No one can understand how much.

I watched a movie today.
Dan in Real Life.
They described love.
How the heart beats like it's coming out of your chest, how you feel awful but alive at the same time, how you hate things about that person but it becomes nothing when you're together.
I started to cry.
Did I love him?
I feel all of those.
I'm scared I did.
My heart is beating thinking about it.
After him doing everything to me.
Hurting me, making me cry so much.
Today I sat on my bed listening to my iPod when my sister walked in.
I was listening to Touble by Coldplay.
I was crying.
She asked me if I was okay.
I said I just had something in my contacts.
She said it looked like I was crying.
I argued.
I am so ashamed with myself.
I hate myself.

He looked at me today with a look of desperation.
I just looked away.
I hate myself for that.
What I wanted to do was hug him.
Is something seriously wrong with me?
Today was the first day I cried warm tears.
It sounds weird but at this point I don't care.
I really felt pain.
I don't like to admitt any of this at all.
I hate it.
I finally can relate to 10 Things I Hate About You.
Because it's all how I feel.
I hate everything about him.
And I hate the fact that deep down I know he does care.
I know I sound the a hypocrit but it's true.
I was denying it.
My emotions vary from day to day and today just happened to be hard.
I'm sick inside.
It's eating me alive.

"I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone"

Hate Me, Blue October