I lay here.
It's the summer.
It's hot.
It's sticky.
My eyes are swollen shut.
My mouth is dry and tastes of paste.
My face is red and tastes like salt.
My nose drips and becomes raw from my tears.
My insides hurt.
My stomach is turning, making rude noises.
My head is pounding of a headache like the beat of a drum.
My brain, trying to figure out what the fuck even happened.
And my body, terrified to sleep, because that moment you wake up, you think it's all a dream.
It is not June 14th, 2010.
It is July 11th, 2012.
It is a day that I hate.
I was sitting out on the pool deck when I got a phone call.
And that phone call easily ruined any sort of summer that was happening.
I never though I would ever be in a situation like this.
A situation where I would feel so horrible.
A situation where I can't make anything better.
A situation that ends like this.
Here's the thing.
I'm a girl.
I'm dramatic.
I'm annoying.
I'm catty.
I like talking.
I tell my best friends a lot, especially involving my relationships and when I'm upset.
Anyone who knows me well enough knows I'm a very loyal person.
Loyalty to me is the most important thing in any relationship, whether it be a partner or a friendship.
Today was one of the worse days of my life.
Because not only were friendships ruined, but my relationship as well.
I love John.
I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, definitely falling, but I do love him.
I would never do anything to hurt that boy.
I defend him all the time.
And damn, I thought I was a pretty damn good girlfriend.
I made him feel special, which he is, I bought him little cute gifts, I was a lovable, supportive girlfriend.
The night I left his house crying was a very terrible night for me.
It's a blur really.
I remember getting into my car, crying.
It was a bit rainy, and John stood with his head down in the doorway, moving very slowly back into the house as I drove away.
I have never felt more stupid in my life.
Jane Elizabeth Apple finally put her heart out there ladies and gentlemen.
Two years and one month since June 14th, 2010, but I did it.
I was FINALLY crying over someone who's name was not Gordon Duffley.
His name was John Joseph Martin IV.
He is smart, funny, sensitive, interesting, liked me for me, and I had finally found someone who fit me, and I fit in.
I love his small frame, his outlook on life, his straight hair and teeth, his big sexy lips.
Someone who really understood my past.
Who knew I was a bit damaged, but took me in anyways.
This boy started to change my whole life.
But that night leaving his house, was the worst ride home ever.
I was in deep thought.
I kept playing the scene over and over in my head, wondering what I had done wrong.
So confused.
Hurt.
He didn't want me.
I wasn't good enough.
Why am I never good enough?
These were the thoughts going through my head.
I have never been so blatantly rejected before by someone I actually liked.
It was a horrible feeling.
Because I had no idea why.
So what does a girl do?
She goes to one of her girlfriends.
She confides.
She wants reassurance.
She wants to know WHY.
Because she's hurt, upset, lost, etc.
But when one of your best friends tells her best friend who tells her best friend who tells his best friend, your boyfriend, that extremely personal information, things get ugly real quick.
Today I spent the day apologizing, feeling absolutely horrible about myself.
All because I was insecure about being rejected.
But here's the irony.
We just weren't ready.
I wasn't, he wasn't.
But at the time, we had no idea.
So now, here I am, single.
Single because the man I love does not love me.
He probably hates me actually.
Single because a good friend who I needed help from broke her promise.
Single because I hurt myself, and others.
Single, simply because I'm not good enough for anyone.
I'm really not.
Gordon has Laura.
Pat has Allison.
Kenny has Haley.
Silvere has Jill.
Jeremy has Darcy.
And me?
I actually suck.
I somehow ruin everything.
Because when I'm upset, I'm rational.
I think quick, not all the way through, and vent.
So no, it is not June 14th, 2010.
It is simply a repeat of that day.
I am here again.
My biggest fear.
I opened up, finally.
And look at me now.
Never have I felt so guilty.
All I want is him holding me.
Telling me it will be okay.
But this is simply Gordon all over.
I don't believe in love anymore.
I don't really think it exists.
It never prevails.
I honestly hope the world ends on December 21st.
Because my life has been so pointless.
I have never done a worthy thing.
I just get fucked over, I fuck up, or I get fucked up.
If I died tomorrow, in just a matter of time, it wouldn't even matter.
I love you John.
You were such a positive thing in my life.
If you change your mind, I'm not going anywhere.
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