Different

I'm hormonal.
I know this.
But honestly I've been having dreams and such that are making me upset.
They bring back some of my old memories.
And I don't like this.
I don't like it at all.
But it's different.
I don't have any means to stalk him or his friends on facebook to see what he's up to.
I have no intention of writing him.
I have no intention of even really speaking to him this summer.
But I'll be perfectly honest.
I wish he was there for me.
I wish I could have told him I was accepted to college.
I wish he could even give me advice as far as college goes.
I wish he could see me walk at graduation.
And just be happy for me.
I wish I could talk to him about my family's situation.
I wish he could just tell me everything will be all right.
I wish he would be my friend.
I wish I could forgive him.
I have forgiven myself which is also a big step.
I have not really thought too much about him in months.
I mean that.
So this is strange for me.
The waves are so far apart.
Which is nice.
But in a sick way, I don't want them to stop because I don't want to forget about him.
He was my best friend.
And I don't want to sound like a pity party because I'm okay and fine.
But I don't want it to all seem like it was a dream someday.
I want to remember.
I just pray I'll love someone the way I loved him.
I've learned so much.
And I truly love myself.
But I do hope I love again.
Because where I am now, it's rubbish.