Perspective

I feel like a douche, but then again I don't.
I was 16, and in the moment, I was hysterical.
Basically, he was right about everything.
Reading those old messages, which thanks to the new facebook I did quite easily, gave me new perspective.
He was right about everything.
We broke up because it really was better for both of us.
And for that he was spot on.
How terrible would my relationship with him be, trying to hold onto these deep feelings for someone over facebook?
I feel terrible about how I treated him, even though his timing sucked.
And he could have done it more tastefully.
But I began to type a letter to him.
But I stopped myself.
Because I didn't want to hear what he had to say back.
Because he was probably happy.
And I'm not.
And I didn't want to hear it.
Is that pathetic, or am I just trying to protect myself?
I'm not sure.
But it's the first time I'd been willing to speak to him for months.
I'm thinking I might send a letter to his house.
I'm not sure what I'll do, or how I'll handle the situation.
All I know is that he was right.
I just happened to be a lot younger and didn't understand.
But if I wrote a letter, this is what I would say.

Hello. I'd like to appologize. For the way I acted months back. Because now I can appologize. You see, I have changed greatly since those days. I am much wiser, more mature, and more worldly. You were right about us. It wasn't the right time. But I think you should know that I lied to you. I kept telling you I was over you when I wasn't. I kept telling you I wasn't attached but I was lying through my teeth. I just wanted to look strong. I told you I had a new boyfriend that ended up making me realize how much I loved you. I'm not sure I told you that. I don't think you know that I loved you way more than I ever told you. I don't think you know that the pain of missing you rips through me even to this day. And that sometimes, I drive by your house to get a glimpse of your basketball hoop because it comforts me. And I want you to know that I hope you're truly happy. You were the best friend to me, and I wouldn't trade anything for that. I can't express enough how mature I've become because of this. How much I've grown as a person. I'm okay. I really am. And I hope you are too. And I'm so sorry for how I acted towards you. But just know that all of those messages I sent to you were in the middle of mental breakdowns because I missed you so much. And it doesn't matter how many times I say I'm angry with you, I'm not. Because I know why you ended things, and your intentions, and I can't be mad at you for that. I can't be mad at you wanting to move on. I just can't be. Just know that everything I did, I did out of love, which sounds hard to believe, but it's true. I understand why you couldn't respond. It just all makes sense finally for me. I think I just needed time to process. Everything you've heard, or whatever, was all because I loved you. You were the best thing to have ever happened to me. And the best friend I've ever had. I can't tell if I still love you, or if it's just the memories. But either way, it's okay. I'm content. I'm just so sorry, because that's not me, ya know? I'm a pretty cool kid these days if I do say so myself. But I hope you're well, and I'll see you at work and church.
Jane