Don't Let It Burn

I walked into work with an objective mind.
I wasn't thinking about the past, I mainly focused on my attitude.
My attitude being, I'm going to act as goofy as possible, hopefully that'll make it the least amount awkward as possible.
I walked in, and was relaxed and content.
I just wanted everything to go smoothly.
As I go to check in, there's a complaint on the computer screen that I couldn't pass up reading.
As I'm reading, I see someones back against me leaning over.
My heart jumped into my throat, and all the blood rushed to my hands.
At the time, the one deep thought that passed by me was that this was the kid that had given me hell the last 6 months.
Complete hell.
And at the time, I didn't think about the good old times.
I simply clocked in, and went into the kitchen.
I walked right by him twice, but finally I broke the ice.
"Yo Gordon, are these all the drinks?"
It was like he was stunned.
For a few seconds, he stopped what he was doing, and just starred into the sink where he was leaning.
I wondered if he went into shock or something.
I know saying his name to him made me feel a bit uneasy.
He finally answered me, his eyes scanning my face.
He was cheerful, almost, but at the same time trying to keep a cool tone.
I barely looked him in the eye.
I couldn't.
But as the night went on, it seemed less and less awkward.
At one point, we were stuck in the elevator together.
He even laughed when I said something.
He smiled at me at one point too.
He even flirted with me at one point.
But all of this light feeling came to a crashing holt when we locked eyes.
It was like time stopped.
I couldn't speak.
I don't think he could either.
He didn't break the eye contact, I did.
My heart was in knots.
Not because I liked him or anything.
But because I loved him so much at one point in my life.
It was that moment I had a dull flashback, of us in his bed, skin on skin all snuggled up as he rubbed my back with his finger tips.
It was that moment I wanted to vomit.
It's weird how you feel something in a memory, but not in present time.
How I know that I have the potential to have deep feelings for him again, but not having any now.
Yet, I also know that the second we get really close to one another, it's over.
Our physical chemistry was our strongest part of our relationship.
At one point, we were alone, and he didn't bail.
He could have done something else, but he didn't.
It was like he just needed to be in my presence, and I the same.
Maybe I was crazy.
But all I know is that he got mighty close to my face today.
And it made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn't mind it.
I just missed him so much.
But seeing him, it wasn't what I expected.
At one point he dared me I couldn't do something, yet I tried.
It reminded me he does remember.
His memory wasn't erased.
I just wish I knew what he was thinking.
Where I stood in his mind.
Where I stood in my own mind.
We never got into depth about anything.
We stayed on safe topics.
It just felt safe.
I dunno.
It was just, it was what it was.
I'm not sure what to make of it.
In a nutshell, I believe he was glad to see me.
But when he crossed the thin line, I think he freaked himself out.
He got a little whiggy.
All I know is I wish I could go back a year ago.
But I can't.
Therefore I have to deal with today.
The now.
And things are a lot different.
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the feeling of love.
That I didn't miss boyfriend stuff.
I'm hormonal.
But I just can't let it burn.
I won't.
I hope.