Weary

Today I'm sad.
I'm wimpery tonight, which hasn't happened in a long time.
I had a bit of a relaspe tonight.
I haven't had one in ages.
But tonight going into work I had a gut feeling.
I hadn't had anxiety in days but today, for an unknown reason I did.
I got to work and ask him where Josh was because I had his sunglasses.
From that moment on, I knew why I had anxiety.
He had seen me flirting with Josh innocently the day before, and he didn't seem too happy about it.
And ever since, he's been a little different.
I can't really explain how though.
It's something I just knew.
And tonight when he gave me that wave, my heart sunk.
His face, everything.
It's like it all comes back for a little.
It was that moment when I knew I could be right back there in a matter of seconds.
Minutes.
And this scared me.
Because I didn't think it was possible.
And it also scared me because it didn't take much.
But I think there was more behind it.
I'm so sick of guys being so obsessed with sex and alcohol.
It makes me sick.
And annoyed.
And upset actually.
Because I know he would have never pressured me.
Into any of that.
And I miss that.
Jeremy is sweet.
But he's no him.
And just saying that, makes me sick.
I'm happy.
Don't get me wrong.
But I'm sad.
Because I do miss that.
A lot.
I miss having good influences around me.
And I miss having someone love me for me.
And not sex or whatever.