Bye I Guess

It's done.
Mentally putting this behind me.
I informed Becca today there is no more talking about him.
I am shutting him out completely.
I don't wanna know.
I don't care.
I'd rather not be more hurt.
Because if so, I'll be suicidal.

I actually was at one point this year.
It was raining...
And I curled up in a ball on my lawn.
I felt like dying.
Or just feeling something.
I thought about driving to Hampton and just falling in.
It being so cold, not having mobility, and just dying.
It was almost a relief.
I've never confessed this to anyone.
It'd scare them half to death.
I was abandoned.
My person abandoned me.
And the healing process for this is long.
Not going to happen over night.
It may take up to even a year.
Maybe even more.
All I know is that I from this point on, I'm healing me.
No one else matters.
I need to be alone for a while.
When I get like this, I find I really discover myself.
I want to go to Colby's grave.
I want to go and just cry.
By myself.
But then again it'll freak me out.
I just need to cry.

Nick and I are officially going on a date.
I feel like he might save me.
Like he might be the one that puts the pieces back together.

I need to block my mind out again.
I was doing so well.
As I sat waiting in the waiting from of the eye doctors today, I found out there was a 45 minute wait.
I sat there, listening to the random chatter.
"I'll start saving my pennies to afford this," one man said.
As I sat there, I don't think I thought about him.
This is a big deal.
I'm all done.
So bye I guess.